#OhBoy and the case of 🖕
Last week, it was just another day of vacation that was all fun, until we sat down for lunch. #OhBoy was arguing with my mom, I forget about what. But something she said irritated him a lot and he showed her the middle finger. 😮
This was not his first time. He did the same a few days ago, and I let it slide, thinking I misconstrued his gesture. This time, there was no doubt. There was a flash of anger in my face, but I was also sure that he was just showing off his anger, without knowing the actual meaning of the gesture.
I asked him what it was and where he learnt it from. Thus started our tussle. The entire lunch was a crying session, with him not wanting to talk about it or telling me where he picked it from. He switched excuses between — he does not remember, he does not want to tell, it meant a big heart, he read it in a dinosaur book, he dreamt about it etc. I kept at it, without shouting at him. I warned him that if I don’t get to know, then I will have to tell the school about it.
He clearly felt cornered. He understood it was a mistake, but did not want to reveal where he picked up this gesture from. At some level, I am amazed by his grit to not tell us the source. I wish he puts this grit to good use in his life.
He took his afternoon nap, under heavy threats and discussion. I spoke to my wife and also ended up reaching out to, what I call, my parenting council 1. I am writing down here the highlights of the points they told me, so it is helpful for those in similar situation.
- Don’t dig into the source too much, as these days there are a lot of stimuli, and it will be pointless to get the the origin of this gesture. And also you may never find out.
- Tell that the behaviour is unacceptable and in the family we are not hurtful or unkind to anyone.
- Make them promise this will not be repeated.
- If it happens next time, don’t react immediately, but bring it up later when settling down and tell that the behaviour was bad and not acceptable
- Talk about the anger and how they feeling and help them express it in a better way. Anger stems from a feeling of loneliness, not physically but emotionally no one is understanding them.
- Learn to stop ending arguments in one sitting and learn to stop and start conversations about it at a later point in time. Make him understand that while you are stopping the probe about it for now, it is still pending and you are awaiting for an answer. This will learn to take him, process and have the confidence to get back at a later point in time.
- This is just the beginning, brace yourself to do this routine again and again.
Armed with all these pointers, I woke up him from his nap and told him that I am letting go of the request for source, but I want him to promise that he will not do it ever again. And among us, no matter how difficult it is we will tell the truth and answer questions honestly. I also told him that I am not angry with him, but just trying to explain him what is right and wrong.
He seemed to be very relieved. He was all going overboard with his niceties in the evening! 😂
#Parenting
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My parenting council is a group of 3 moms, whose parenting style and ethos resonate with me. After my wife, they are the next ones I reach out to when I have a parenting crisis. Their thoughts and directions have immensely helped in how I grew up as a parent so far with #OhBoy ↩︎
It is a very hearty breakfast meal, so maybe next time I will combine with hike at the nearby Seri Bintang trail!
